So, I’m not fancy like the rest of you techies - you'll find no cute titles nor comical pictures here. However, you may get a glimpse into the cognizance that is myself (I purposely worded that as such so Helen would roll her eyes), and I cannot promise encouragement - but I’ll do my best :)
My testimony is not that of one who grew up in church, but it is about a journey growing up nonetheless. I went to church for Christmas and Easter, but not much beyond that. My mom was brought up catholic, so naturally I have never been encouraged to attend a mass in my life. So, I was exposed to some of the teachings of Christianity, but nothing that I really sank my teeth in to.
I started going to church (age 19) in an effort in impress some people whom I wanted to impress, but that didn't last long and I soon found myself without that external motivation. I had just gotten out of a relationship and had fallen into quite the depression, I failed 3 courses at SFU (something not quite in-line with my other grades), I got diagnosed with a potentially malignant tumour in my neck, and my boss wasn't overly impressed with my demeanour while working in the hospitality industry (he later got fired for drug use though).
I had decided to continue going to church in order to learn, not to be converted, just learn about cultures and ideas (my main passion in life is learning). But after all the downs I went through, I gave up on trying to cope myself and turned to God (I figured I had continued going to church for a reason after all). I put my faith in him (thanks in large part to Alpha), and committed to live my life accordingly to the best of my abilities - I obviously failed miserably but I think he got the message. I got baptised at the end of 2007 (age 21) and then there was a time when I was super excited for the Lord...
That’s my testimony in a nutshell, but as you might have figured out it isn't well connected to the title of my post. So here's the connection - where I am now. There was a time when I was super excited to serve, the joy of being in a church body of those who cared for me was wonderful, but lately I’ve been losing the spark. I've started to find a lot of the "Christian stuff" bothersome, which is where the resentment comes from - I’m sure we all get there at some point (maybe I called it too harsh). Of course, I also remember my responsibilities and commitments to serve (not just in the short term, but in the long term - my baptism constantly acts as a pillar for my commitment to serve the Lord, and I cannot say how many times looking back to that event has reaffirmed what I’m doing). And then the reminders, those are the best, they come in many forms. Sometimes it's just looking back to when I was younger in my faith and having that overwhelming joy (of course, I don't think we can really rely on emotions to support our faith). Other times reminders come in the form of a bible study where a new awe is struck for God's grace, or from learning about others' walks and the struggles they've survived.
All and all, I’m moving along. God is faithful and he will continue to provide reminders, reassure my responsibilities and commitments, and, in time, curb any feelings of resentment. I have faith! Amen!
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Resentment, Responsibility and Reminders
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Success & Failure
Don't you want to be a successful person? We often strive for success and excellence in the things we do, whether these success are our education, our work, our hobbies, our relationships, our friendship, our Sunday School class, our relationship with God etc...
Rightly so! What is the point of doing things if we do not do anything but the best in all that we do? After all, even non Christian have the saying that goes 'we only live once...' Well technically, I guess Christians live more than once but let's focus on our current lives we have control of. Let’s focus on the present. Let’s focus on the really important stuff. Do our lives reflect nothing but success and excellence when we evaluate our relationship God?
Ironically, I really wish I am able to say yes but I will be lying if I call my relationship with God a complete success. God intends for our relationships with Him to be fully vibrant but I often find myself falling into sins and giving in to temptations that often hurt and discourage me. After realizing what I've chose to do from that temptation and test, I felt regrets and frustrations that I feel as if I wish I don’t have to get myself back up. Have you felt like that from time to time? Falling down and can't picking yourself back up?
I admire Michael Jordan, one of the best basketball players in history. Although we may consider him true baller, he still said in one of his quotes: "I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."
Sir Winston Churchill, a Prime Minister of UK who had to face one of the worst wars in history, said the following quote to describe what success is. He said: "Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm."
In our eyes, Michael Jordan and Sir Winston Churchill may perhaps be one of the most qualifying persons who had successfully fulfilled their roles in the things they were assigned to. But even they admitted they had failed so many times. How humbling is that? Even the best has flaws. Then I realize that the biggest difference between myself and them is the attitude towards failures.
God is great to us and He wants nothing but the best for us. God has even comforted us by providing us 1 Corinthians 10:13 to stand under whenever we’re tempted: No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
Great... that's wonderful news to know and a couple of weeks ago, I was finally able to figure out why I effortlessly fall into temptation: it was the fact that I'm always hesitant into getting in action. I realize that I'm just too sluggish in all the things I do and even during times of temptation; I was sluggish to look ‘for the way out’ and before I know it, bam, it’s too late. So I've been more conscious to ensure that I act more and hesitate less. (Still learning, as you can see, my blog submission is late.)
But this hesitation and sluggishness leads to my fall as well. I passionately hate it when I fall. (So, yes Ian, I pick on myself pretty darn often.) But I was also comforted last night as one of my friend during our discussion in Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) mentioned the following verse from the Bible 2 Corinthians 12:9: But [the Lord] said to [Paul], "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
In Kung Fu Panda, "There is a saying: yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the "present." May the Lord be with us, in times or our strength and weakness, so that in whatever situations that we are, may we know that God loves us and He is here with us. He wants nothing but the best for us, He wants us to be successful in everything that we do, may we never be discouraged. May we always pick ourselves back up when we fall because we know that God is able to use our entire life, our success and failure, to glorify Him! Amen!
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Once when I was little...
It is hard to say what my testimony is, as I don't have one pivotal point in my faith, but rather God has been challenging, uprooting, refining, and reshaping me throughout the narrative of my life. Each of these moments require a mess of explanation and background information. As well, these moments are quite personal to me and I don't feel I could express them appropriately on blog. Perhaps if we find ourselves stuck waiting for a storm to pass and have nothing to do but kill time, we can bring it up then. :P However, right now I'll share about something that shaped my faith from the beginning.
I don't know how much you remember from my dad's sermon a couple weeks back, or if you were even there that Sunday, but he shared about my family's financial troubles. The time when this was the worst was when I was in elementary school. The jist of the story is that when we were in the deepest hole that we had ever been with no more options, God not only answered our prayers in the nick of time, but provided extra to show his amazing grace and love.
When we were struggling, it was not a brief period but a drawn out string of years. Debt grew upon debt, and the situation further intensified. I'm not by any means saying my sisters and I grew up in poverty or anything, but it really did strain the experience of growing up a lot; at a young age, you are made aware of social inequality; your friends ask why you can't do certain things with them, you can't afford to take lessons, your parents say we can't afford to go out to eat, your father comes home each evening on the brink of breaking down not knowing if his pay cheque would stretch to the next month, you barely see your parents because they are both working full time trying to make ends meet, and stress and tension are always high at home. My parents never tried to shelter my sisters and I, but always believed in being honest with us. Even though I was quite young at the time, I still understood the gravity of the situation. Not only are you out of physical resources, but along with this comes a lot of embarrassment and shame; it feels like you are living two identities, and are always trying to hide something from the world, and are constantly reminded of what you cannot afford to have or do. Family/home life were as well often dictated by this burden constantly hanging over us which led to a whole host of other problems (That is a whole other essay in itself :P).
But enough grimness. Let's get back to the good part--> God saved the day :D. I still remember that night so clearly when my father announced to the family that he had just received a cheque in the mail (his best friend had past away and had earlier unofficially had asked his brother to set some money aside for my father); that was my first experience of true brokenness. The family was in tears and praising God with nothing holding them back. The room was filled with a joy and profound thankfulness that cannot be put into words.
Things are much better now, and no I'm not saying everything was happy and perfect after that, but I am saying that I am really thankful for that whole experience. Firstly, it really shaped my character. Yes having things is nice, and having the freedom to do things is nice, but the experience made me realize how unreliable money is and made me see what was important at an early age (the Lord and the people you love). I'm not saying I don't treat myself to things now and then, but I don't place a huge importance on material things (haha-my sister knows I've never cared to marry a rich man). As well, as things were never handed to me, I learned to work hard and value the things that are provided for me. I could go on and on about the things learned, but the most important thing I experienced was the power/goodness/grace/love/care/foresight/provision/almightiness of the Lord. He didn't have to dig us out of our hole, but he chose to. Like the story my father mentioned in the sermon about the widow and the jars of oil, God wants us to be obedient and trust him; even though he could miraculously wipe our problems away, so much more comes from the struggle and having faith/relying on Him completely. When I praise the Lord it comes from a deeper place. Rather than merely knowing what God is capable of, I've felt it in my core. I thank Him that he allowed me to see such a real side of Him.
So, that was the brief version of the story, and a quick peek into God's work in my life. I'm sure some of you can relate, and hope maybe some can find encouragement in it.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Brick Walls
Throughout the past year, I've experienced a fair share of God's goodness through his grace, blessings by his mercies, and most of all, challenges that ultimately showed God's plan for me. Closer to the beginning of this year, as most of you would know, I injured my leg. At first, it was definitely really challenging in many aspects. Feelings of missed opportunities, incapable of independence and time wasted. To me, the injury felt like a huge brick wall that stopped me from doing everything I needed or wanted to do. After the injury settled in and as I began recovery, people around me were immensely supportive. I was unable to do a lot of the physical things I used to do for a good few months, but somehow, I managed to survive school decently, passed my job interview, and above all, realized how much God loved me. The injury was only a brick wall that built my knowledge of who God was and how He shapes and molds us. He taught me the importance of perseverance and trust.Whats your brick wall experience?
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Uneasy Reflections
I've come to realize that if a person feels on the negative side of the spectrum at the point in there lives, there's always a reaction following. Whether if that reaction is some positive building blocks to pick you up, or just plain ignorance that leads to unproductive thoughts and activities, it's always interesting to see the outcome and how that person will fair. I am fortunate enough to see such an event unfold and it is also unfortunate to realize it is as a matter of fact myself i am witnessing on such an uneasy journey.
Have you ever see yourself in a third person view? Pfftt...of course not. Is that even possible? Well maybe if you record yourself on video and post it on youtube then maybe you can consider that possible. But even so, you're not going to post something unflattering about yourself for the whole world to see. That would just be "unhealthy". But if you could, wouldn't it be something to see? You're whole day played out by you and you're watching every single event happen. You laugh at some scenes, you cringe at some scenes and you make mental comments of what you did. At the end of the show you see yourself going to bed and the screen fades dark and you have a moment to reflect on what you saw. Thumbs up? Thumbs down? It's tough to say. Was there something you wished you did differently? I'm sure some of us has stared up at our bedroom ceiling and let our thoughts go wild. It's an uneasy reflection for me.
What am I trying to say about myself? Well let me give you an example. You get home from a hard day of work/school and you're chilled to the bone from this lovely Vancouver weather. You don't want anymore annoyance from family and you head to the bathroom looking forward to a relaxing hot shower. Only to find you're standing in it with the hot water turned to max and it's only lukewarm. Bah...what do you do? It's not hot enough to enjoy it but it's still just a little warmer than the rest of the bathroom. You're basically stuck for a while until you muster the nerve to face the chilly bathroom again. Stuck on life, stuck at home, stuck in the same spot with God. I've been watching myself being stuck ever since I came back from university. I don't want to sell myself short. I've got a decent job, a home to come back to, a supportive church body and a healthy body *knock on wood*. But as someone looking around and seeing other people change their lives so fast makes me look at myself in third person over and over and saying to myself "Hey, is there something holding me back?" Parents don't help either not letting me live as an adult. Well, not supporting me as much as I hoped anyways. They mean well I know but they still treat you as a kid and it has become a lot of heating topics around the house as of late. The only thing I'm grateful of is God's grace and patience he has put into me cause like me he's looking at me in a third person view and he's seeing what I'm stuggling with as with all of us.
The "1/4 century hump" I call this, if such a thing exist. Midlife crisis? Hmm...not there yet but a precursor probably. God is the writer of this story and he likes to make it a best seller. How about yours? I would like see your stories too for those who are to post next. For now I'll just be watching my own. Hope the climax is coming soon lol.
Ahem...I guess questions now as per requested from Calvin.
1. Where are you in your walk?
2. Do you criticize yourself too much?
3. Do you like your "story" so far.
Oh if anyone is worried I'm doing okay. It's a little depressing blog but we all go through this
Ian
Have you ever see yourself in a third person view? Pfftt...of course not. Is that even possible? Well maybe if you record yourself on video and post it on youtube then maybe you can consider that possible. But even so, you're not going to post something unflattering about yourself for the whole world to see. That would just be "unhealthy". But if you could, wouldn't it be something to see? You're whole day played out by you and you're watching every single event happen. You laugh at some scenes, you cringe at some scenes and you make mental comments of what you did. At the end of the show you see yourself going to bed and the screen fades dark and you have a moment to reflect on what you saw. Thumbs up? Thumbs down? It's tough to say. Was there something you wished you did differently? I'm sure some of us has stared up at our bedroom ceiling and let our thoughts go wild. It's an uneasy reflection for me.
What am I trying to say about myself? Well let me give you an example. You get home from a hard day of work/school and you're chilled to the bone from this lovely Vancouver weather. You don't want anymore annoyance from family and you head to the bathroom looking forward to a relaxing hot shower. Only to find you're standing in it with the hot water turned to max and it's only lukewarm. Bah...what do you do? It's not hot enough to enjoy it but it's still just a little warmer than the rest of the bathroom. You're basically stuck for a while until you muster the nerve to face the chilly bathroom again. Stuck on life, stuck at home, stuck in the same spot with God. I've been watching myself being stuck ever since I came back from university. I don't want to sell myself short. I've got a decent job, a home to come back to, a supportive church body and a healthy body *knock on wood*. But as someone looking around and seeing other people change their lives so fast makes me look at myself in third person over and over and saying to myself "Hey, is there something holding me back?" Parents don't help either not letting me live as an adult. Well, not supporting me as much as I hoped anyways. They mean well I know but they still treat you as a kid and it has become a lot of heating topics around the house as of late. The only thing I'm grateful of is God's grace and patience he has put into me cause like me he's looking at me in a third person view and he's seeing what I'm stuggling with as with all of us.
The "1/4 century hump" I call this, if such a thing exist. Midlife crisis? Hmm...not there yet but a precursor probably. God is the writer of this story and he likes to make it a best seller. How about yours? I would like see your stories too for those who are to post next. For now I'll just be watching my own. Hope the climax is coming soon lol.
Ahem...I guess questions now as per requested from Calvin.
1. Where are you in your walk?
2. Do you criticize yourself too much?
3. Do you like your "story" so far.
Oh if anyone is worried I'm doing okay. It's a little depressing blog but we all go through this
Ian
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
God and Lists
for the longest time i always made fun of my dad for writing long lists of things that he had to get done for each day. He would always keep this list folded in his shirt pocket along with a pen and a couple sticky post-it notes.
but as of about two years ago, lists became one of my most favourite things. sometimes, i even think that my entire life can be categorized and sorted into a whole buncha different lists. some of them consciously made and some of them...well i guess they were made without my knowing. but it wasnt just the lists in and of themselves that i started to like. by making lists i also discovered the joy of checking things off lists - theres really no better feeling (okay, well its definitely top ten) of having a gianourmous list and then slowly as the day drags on and as you do each listed thing, checking each one off...ahh lists!
at around the same time that i started to have a thing for lists, i also discovered that one of my most believed in and held in highest regard list (unconsciously made) was slowly being ripped apart and turned upside down - my 'God' list.
i grew up in a christian family and have been to church all my life. in hong kong when i a baby all the way until i was four. And then to some church in vancouver from when i was four til five. and then here at BAC since i was six. so basically i knew all the sunday school stories and i knew all the right answers and i definitely knew, as i grew up, all the right roles to fill and the right way to act.
i was super active in church, serving ever since i was in grade five or six in the nursery and then as i got older with the children, teaching the toddler sunday school and leading children's worship. then when i went up to gq i was in core since the first year, leading worship and all that other stuff that 'goode christian leaders' do...
and im not reducing all these things that i did to amount to nothing because i know really well that God uses all things, all experiences in our lives to shape up and help us grow in so many ways but i think thorughout all this time what i did, what i was serving in was merely something that i did...granted there were moments, many moments where i definitely felt God working through me but those were just isolated moments with no sustenance.
i realized this...or i guess i slowly realized and am still realizing this two summers back...or maybe more...around the same time as lists. i had just started my internship with pastor ed and at that point my life was kinda messy...messy meaning lots of different things were happening in a whole buncha different areas of my life and because of a culmination of all those things - i had to come face to face with that list which i had made to do with God.
i found out, really really quickly that all my suppositions and limitations and on the line judgments of what following God, who God is, how i am to live life, were really messed up...not only were the things on my list not checked off, those things that were on my list shouldnt have been there in the first place.
i think that i were say exactly at which point did my faith become real to me - real in that way where there is no denying it or going around it or doing a half job of it - it would have to have been the moment that i realized how wrong my list had been. Realizing that made me really change the way i viewed my life and how i wanted to live out the rest of it...and i mean, even know im working, trying every single moment to erase those messed up items i had listed on my list...its not always easy cause that list was there for a while but i think that in the process of erasing and rewriting, Gods actually teaching me a lot more than i think...
theres so much more to say...but i think this would be a goode place to say that its because of my list, or well my half erased half corrected list, that is one of my biggest reasons for working with the youth. i think i get where theyre at in their lives when it comes to God and faith and all that stuff. i get that growing up in church and going to sunday school and fellowship and knowing all the head knowledge and knowing exactly how to act to get by, at our very traditional, very asian church, leads you to grow up with a sorta list for God, probably not unlike the one that i had.
and i think if thats the list that they have and that list never changes and God and faith never becomes real to them, then Christianity is really just one big joke. not worth following at all...
for me, and im superly thankful for this, God placed a whole buncha super meaningful people in my life that kinda guided and nudged me along in the right direction. often asking really crazy questions and sharing views that were soooo contrary to my list that i had no choice but to deal with them...
i really hope that besdies teaching my teens the lesson and the verses and the bible knowledge that more than anything im challegening their list of what God in our lives looks like through the way i live my life out in God.
some lists are great and meant to be kept and checked off one by one, while that feeling of complete satisfaction washes over
and some lists need to be ripped up, turned upsidedown, and re-written all the while being shown some pretty cool stuff and learning some (sometimes hard) life lessons.
thats the end.
helen
but as of about two years ago, lists became one of my most favourite things. sometimes, i even think that my entire life can be categorized and sorted into a whole buncha different lists. some of them consciously made and some of them...well i guess they were made without my knowing. but it wasnt just the lists in and of themselves that i started to like. by making lists i also discovered the joy of checking things off lists - theres really no better feeling (okay, well its definitely top ten) of having a gianourmous list and then slowly as the day drags on and as you do each listed thing, checking each one off...ahh lists!
at around the same time that i started to have a thing for lists, i also discovered that one of my most believed in and held in highest regard list (unconsciously made) was slowly being ripped apart and turned upside down - my 'God' list.
i grew up in a christian family and have been to church all my life. in hong kong when i a baby all the way until i was four. And then to some church in vancouver from when i was four til five. and then here at BAC since i was six. so basically i knew all the sunday school stories and i knew all the right answers and i definitely knew, as i grew up, all the right roles to fill and the right way to act.
i was super active in church, serving ever since i was in grade five or six in the nursery and then as i got older with the children, teaching the toddler sunday school and leading children's worship. then when i went up to gq i was in core since the first year, leading worship and all that other stuff that 'goode christian leaders' do...
and im not reducing all these things that i did to amount to nothing because i know really well that God uses all things, all experiences in our lives to shape up and help us grow in so many ways but i think thorughout all this time what i did, what i was serving in was merely something that i did...granted there were moments, many moments where i definitely felt God working through me but those were just isolated moments with no sustenance.
i realized this...or i guess i slowly realized and am still realizing this two summers back...or maybe more...around the same time as lists. i had just started my internship with pastor ed and at that point my life was kinda messy...messy meaning lots of different things were happening in a whole buncha different areas of my life and because of a culmination of all those things - i had to come face to face with that list which i had made to do with God.
i found out, really really quickly that all my suppositions and limitations and on the line judgments of what following God, who God is, how i am to live life, were really messed up...not only were the things on my list not checked off, those things that were on my list shouldnt have been there in the first place.
i think that i were say exactly at which point did my faith become real to me - real in that way where there is no denying it or going around it or doing a half job of it - it would have to have been the moment that i realized how wrong my list had been. Realizing that made me really change the way i viewed my life and how i wanted to live out the rest of it...and i mean, even know im working, trying every single moment to erase those messed up items i had listed on my list...its not always easy cause that list was there for a while but i think that in the process of erasing and rewriting, Gods actually teaching me a lot more than i think...
theres so much more to say...but i think this would be a goode place to say that its because of my list, or well my half erased half corrected list, that is one of my biggest reasons for working with the youth. i think i get where theyre at in their lives when it comes to God and faith and all that stuff. i get that growing up in church and going to sunday school and fellowship and knowing all the head knowledge and knowing exactly how to act to get by, at our very traditional, very asian church, leads you to grow up with a sorta list for God, probably not unlike the one that i had.
and i think if thats the list that they have and that list never changes and God and faith never becomes real to them, then Christianity is really just one big joke. not worth following at all...
for me, and im superly thankful for this, God placed a whole buncha super meaningful people in my life that kinda guided and nudged me along in the right direction. often asking really crazy questions and sharing views that were soooo contrary to my list that i had no choice but to deal with them...
i really hope that besdies teaching my teens the lesson and the verses and the bible knowledge that more than anything im challegening their list of what God in our lives looks like through the way i live my life out in God.
some lists are great and meant to be kept and checked off one by one, while that feeling of complete satisfaction washes over
and some lists need to be ripped up, turned upsidedown, and re-written all the while being shown some pretty cool stuff and learning some (sometimes hard) life lessons.
thats the end.
helen
Friday, October 16, 2009
Cal's Testimony/Thoughts
I used a lot of this in another application, but I thought it was good to post here too. I have updated and changed some of it though. Its a long read i know... sorry... but not really =P
Enjoy!
In The Beginning
Don’t really know how to start, so I’ll start from the beginning… God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty… Ok, maybe that’s too far back.
I came to Vancouver about 26 years ago, but I didn’t stay for too long. Less than a year I went to Hong Kong and then to China and stayed with my relatives. I came back to BC for kindergarten and have lived here since.
Growing up you could say I was one of those good little boys. I was usually obedient, was extremely shy so I never spoke out, and was terrified of my parents since they held the beating sticks/things… I went through elementary quite clueless and oblivious to most things. I was pretty much the same through most of high school. I was fortunate, though, to have always been able to make friends. And I did have several good friends. I was far from being popular, but I could fit in (or at least it seems in retrospect) with most groups of people/friends. Maybe they all actually hated me… but I was oblivious to their disgust towards me… o well, ignorance is bliss.
Intro to God
My first encounter with the idea of God was around grade 1. Some of you have heard this story, but I guess it doesn’t hurt to mention it briefly here. A classmate of mine stated to me, that going to the washroom was a sin and that God got mad at whoever sinned. I’m sure he intended for me to try and never go to the washroom again. However, unbeknownst to him, at that time I had no idea who/what/where God was so I didn’t care at all. So I went whenever, wherever… nah, I went to the proper facilities… most of the times…
My second encounter was around grade 6? I have a terrible memory… Well I had heard from other kids that they went to church on Sundays. Some of them seemed to really enjoy it so I thought it was some sort of club. I thought that I could have fun and join in the conversations if I went to church. The problem was that my parents didn’t go to church (and they still don’t), so I had no way of getting to church (or a church). One day a cousin of mine told me he went to church and so I asked him if he could bring me along. He agreed and the next Sunday he picked me up and off we went. Unfortunately I had a terrible experience. It was a mandarin congregation and I didn’t understand a word they were saying. To top if off, the pews were the wooden kind and made my butt sore. So I never asked him to bring me to church again.
I didn’t think much about religion until around grade 11? I started playing this online game and they had a forum which had discussions on the existence of God… (Wow, games are actually good for something…). People were quite active in this particular thread (must have had a hundred posts or so). I read a few posts and I was fascinated. I read some good arguments and some bad. I followed the thread until I stopped playing the game. After following the thread for a few weeks I thought the atheists’ arguments were much more compelling. So I became an atheist.
That summer I was invited to teens’ camp. I was invited by Jasmine. We went to the same high school and were friends. I went, not expecting too much, other than to have some fun and get away from home for a bit. And it was fun and I did enjoy it, most of it anyway. The weirdest parts were the praying and singing. Not exactly normal by my standards… Not much happened in terms of spirituality for that camp. However, I did get to ask one of the counselors (Alex Mah) a whole lot of questions. I asked him a whole whack of those hard/impossible questions such as “Why is there evil if there’s a God” and “Can God create a rock so heavy He couldn’t lift it” etc. I didn’t get many “good” answers, at least from what I remember. I have to admit I was armed and ready for the camp in that way, having pondered tirelessly about the whole debate from the forum I mentioned above. As some of my small group boys might say, I totally pwned Alex with my questions. I went home a confident atheist, but I saw something in those Christians. A joy, or hope, something that made them smile. I wanted that. I think I wanted to become a Christian just because of that.
A New Beginning
The grade 12 year came and went. Summer of grade 12 I was invited to go to camp again. I went again, not expecting anything different. This was at Latona I believe. It was a decent place. Food wasn’t so great though. I met some new people, but a lot of my high school friends were there also. Nothing happened much until the last night. Actually, I barely remember anything except for the last night (other than the not so good food). The last night Pastor Scott Dicky asked us to close our eyes and stand up if we wanted to receive Jesus. Too my surprise I really wanted to stand up. I didn’t, at first, thinking this was nothing different than any other altar call that I hadn’t responded to before this one. But then I did stand up, and I was a bit nervous. It was as if I didn’t have full control of my body. Strangely, I felt relieved. The pastor prayed for us and we went back to our cabin groups and I shared the experience with the other guys. I don’t remember much of what happened that night. I don’t think anyone prayed with/for me, which was probably good. I might have been weirded out by that (weirded apparently is not a word… but I used it anyway!).
I started coming to BAC after camp. I realized I was now a believer, at least of God. I didn’t understand how the Christian religion worked but I was excited. Somehow I had heard that all believers had to get baptized. So I tried to get baptized as soon as I could. I was baptized the following Christmas. I was totally unprepared. I had never witnessed a baptism before. Pastor Tim told me I just had to speak a little bit about myself and then I’d get the dunk. So I didn’t have a testimony or anything like that written up. Everything I said was made up on the spot. After my speech Pastor Tim refused to baptize me because my testimony was so terrible… I was in the water… soaking wet…. I’m just joking. I don’t really remember what I said but it couldn’t have been that bad. During this time I was basking in God’s presence. I was so happy that I was an official Christian. I couldn’t wait for service every Sunday morning. I joined 3D and it was a lot of fun. I learned a lot and it was the best time of my life up to that point. I went to Winter Conference because it seemed the proper thing to do… and that was where I formed some of my best Christian relationships. I had a group of brothers who encouraged each other and seemed to have a passion for Christ. My joy lasted for a while, but of course we aren’t meant to be immature Christians forever and I eventually saw the trials I would need for growth.
Doubting Phase
I went into a slump about a year and a half after my baptism. That joy from being a new Christian faded. I didn’t sense the closeness of God as much or at all. I had thoughts of doubt again about God. I knew he existed, but I was unsure of his benevolence. I longed for signs of Him because there were long periods where He didn’t seem to even notice me. This was all very gradual. I couldn’t say when or how this happened. At some points I would even think about not being a Christian anymore (if that were even possible). But each week there were people at church that kept me going. Somewhere during this time I changed my major (I was attending SFU) to philosophy. I studied a bunch of different topics, but unsurprisingly, the most interesting was religion. I skipped the least number of lectures for those classes… I got to think/debate about a lot of similar questions I had when I was an atheist. At times, my studies have helped my faith, but at other times they have hindered. I debated endlessly with particular individuals on specific problems. I wrestled with seeming contradictions in my mind all of the time. I was determined to formulate undeniable conclusions for and/or against God. However, by the end of my degree I realized one crucial point. There was no conclusive way to argue for or against God for most things, especially not His existence. It really is impossible to either choose or not to choose God by pure human reasoning. This idea was probably the main thing that got me back on track with my faith.
Now
Philosophy was the stepping-stone for my desire to learn more about God, to be more critical of Christianity. I really didn’t know what I was getting myself into when I first believed. I think it has always been difficult for me to have faith. Though I know God gives faith, I know that my rationalizing has been a blessing and stumbling block. I still have lots of questions, but having gone through my doubting phase, I definitely trust God in the deepest way I ever have. That’s not to say I’m super on fire for God. I know this relationship can be better, but I do have the best and deepest foundation of faith and trust to date. I’m sure God will have more trials for me, and I know that I’ll have to take it one step at a time.
Recently though, God has been teaching me/letting me experience His awesome power in terms of His Holy Spirit. I’m totally convinced that when Jesus says we are to be salt of the earth and light to the world, the heart of his message is that we are to be leaders to the entire world. But this is too dreary. What I’m thinking more is that we are to be the superstars, the superheroes of this world. And we are capable of “unleashing” this tremendous power. Because of the Spirit we can live according to God’s amazing plan for humanity. Yes, I’m still trying to figure out the details of this plan, but from what I can see, if we “do it God’s way”, Christians can radically change this earth. Love is so complicated, but at the same time so simple. God’s way of love is the only sustainable way to change this world. I see many people trying to change the world and a lot often succeed, at least for some time. But those plans always has problems and breaks down. If Christians really understood what love means and how it is actually a way of life, the changes to this world we can do will be both dramatic and lasting. And it is the Spirit that gives us this power to understand AND apply love. This is how I have been seeing God at work. Through us, freely giving us His power. We of course need to be responsible in acknowledging and using God’s gifts. So I’ve been praying a lot for God to send His power. Hosanna.
Enjoy!
In The Beginning
Don’t really know how to start, so I’ll start from the beginning… God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty… Ok, maybe that’s too far back.
I came to Vancouver about 26 years ago, but I didn’t stay for too long. Less than a year I went to Hong Kong and then to China and stayed with my relatives. I came back to BC for kindergarten and have lived here since.
Growing up you could say I was one of those good little boys. I was usually obedient, was extremely shy so I never spoke out, and was terrified of my parents since they held the beating sticks/things… I went through elementary quite clueless and oblivious to most things. I was pretty much the same through most of high school. I was fortunate, though, to have always been able to make friends. And I did have several good friends. I was far from being popular, but I could fit in (or at least it seems in retrospect) with most groups of people/friends. Maybe they all actually hated me… but I was oblivious to their disgust towards me… o well, ignorance is bliss.
Intro to God
My first encounter with the idea of God was around grade 1. Some of you have heard this story, but I guess it doesn’t hurt to mention it briefly here. A classmate of mine stated to me, that going to the washroom was a sin and that God got mad at whoever sinned. I’m sure he intended for me to try and never go to the washroom again. However, unbeknownst to him, at that time I had no idea who/what/where God was so I didn’t care at all. So I went whenever, wherever… nah, I went to the proper facilities… most of the times…
My second encounter was around grade 6? I have a terrible memory… Well I had heard from other kids that they went to church on Sundays. Some of them seemed to really enjoy it so I thought it was some sort of club. I thought that I could have fun and join in the conversations if I went to church. The problem was that my parents didn’t go to church (and they still don’t), so I had no way of getting to church (or a church). One day a cousin of mine told me he went to church and so I asked him if he could bring me along. He agreed and the next Sunday he picked me up and off we went. Unfortunately I had a terrible experience. It was a mandarin congregation and I didn’t understand a word they were saying. To top if off, the pews were the wooden kind and made my butt sore. So I never asked him to bring me to church again.
I didn’t think much about religion until around grade 11? I started playing this online game and they had a forum which had discussions on the existence of God… (Wow, games are actually good for something…). People were quite active in this particular thread (must have had a hundred posts or so). I read a few posts and I was fascinated. I read some good arguments and some bad. I followed the thread until I stopped playing the game. After following the thread for a few weeks I thought the atheists’ arguments were much more compelling. So I became an atheist.
That summer I was invited to teens’ camp. I was invited by Jasmine. We went to the same high school and were friends. I went, not expecting too much, other than to have some fun and get away from home for a bit. And it was fun and I did enjoy it, most of it anyway. The weirdest parts were the praying and singing. Not exactly normal by my standards… Not much happened in terms of spirituality for that camp. However, I did get to ask one of the counselors (Alex Mah) a whole lot of questions. I asked him a whole whack of those hard/impossible questions such as “Why is there evil if there’s a God” and “Can God create a rock so heavy He couldn’t lift it” etc. I didn’t get many “good” answers, at least from what I remember. I have to admit I was armed and ready for the camp in that way, having pondered tirelessly about the whole debate from the forum I mentioned above. As some of my small group boys might say, I totally pwned Alex with my questions. I went home a confident atheist, but I saw something in those Christians. A joy, or hope, something that made them smile. I wanted that. I think I wanted to become a Christian just because of that.
A New Beginning
The grade 12 year came and went. Summer of grade 12 I was invited to go to camp again. I went again, not expecting anything different. This was at Latona I believe. It was a decent place. Food wasn’t so great though. I met some new people, but a lot of my high school friends were there also. Nothing happened much until the last night. Actually, I barely remember anything except for the last night (other than the not so good food). The last night Pastor Scott Dicky asked us to close our eyes and stand up if we wanted to receive Jesus. Too my surprise I really wanted to stand up. I didn’t, at first, thinking this was nothing different than any other altar call that I hadn’t responded to before this one. But then I did stand up, and I was a bit nervous. It was as if I didn’t have full control of my body. Strangely, I felt relieved. The pastor prayed for us and we went back to our cabin groups and I shared the experience with the other guys. I don’t remember much of what happened that night. I don’t think anyone prayed with/for me, which was probably good. I might have been weirded out by that (weirded apparently is not a word… but I used it anyway!).
I started coming to BAC after camp. I realized I was now a believer, at least of God. I didn’t understand how the Christian religion worked but I was excited. Somehow I had heard that all believers had to get baptized. So I tried to get baptized as soon as I could. I was baptized the following Christmas. I was totally unprepared. I had never witnessed a baptism before. Pastor Tim told me I just had to speak a little bit about myself and then I’d get the dunk. So I didn’t have a testimony or anything like that written up. Everything I said was made up on the spot. After my speech Pastor Tim refused to baptize me because my testimony was so terrible… I was in the water… soaking wet…. I’m just joking. I don’t really remember what I said but it couldn’t have been that bad. During this time I was basking in God’s presence. I was so happy that I was an official Christian. I couldn’t wait for service every Sunday morning. I joined 3D and it was a lot of fun. I learned a lot and it was the best time of my life up to that point. I went to Winter Conference because it seemed the proper thing to do… and that was where I formed some of my best Christian relationships. I had a group of brothers who encouraged each other and seemed to have a passion for Christ. My joy lasted for a while, but of course we aren’t meant to be immature Christians forever and I eventually saw the trials I would need for growth.
Doubting Phase
I went into a slump about a year and a half after my baptism. That joy from being a new Christian faded. I didn’t sense the closeness of God as much or at all. I had thoughts of doubt again about God. I knew he existed, but I was unsure of his benevolence. I longed for signs of Him because there were long periods where He didn’t seem to even notice me. This was all very gradual. I couldn’t say when or how this happened. At some points I would even think about not being a Christian anymore (if that were even possible). But each week there were people at church that kept me going. Somewhere during this time I changed my major (I was attending SFU) to philosophy. I studied a bunch of different topics, but unsurprisingly, the most interesting was religion. I skipped the least number of lectures for those classes… I got to think/debate about a lot of similar questions I had when I was an atheist. At times, my studies have helped my faith, but at other times they have hindered. I debated endlessly with particular individuals on specific problems. I wrestled with seeming contradictions in my mind all of the time. I was determined to formulate undeniable conclusions for and/or against God. However, by the end of my degree I realized one crucial point. There was no conclusive way to argue for or against God for most things, especially not His existence. It really is impossible to either choose or not to choose God by pure human reasoning. This idea was probably the main thing that got me back on track with my faith.
Now
Philosophy was the stepping-stone for my desire to learn more about God, to be more critical of Christianity. I really didn’t know what I was getting myself into when I first believed. I think it has always been difficult for me to have faith. Though I know God gives faith, I know that my rationalizing has been a blessing and stumbling block. I still have lots of questions, but having gone through my doubting phase, I definitely trust God in the deepest way I ever have. That’s not to say I’m super on fire for God. I know this relationship can be better, but I do have the best and deepest foundation of faith and trust to date. I’m sure God will have more trials for me, and I know that I’ll have to take it one step at a time.
Recently though, God has been teaching me/letting me experience His awesome power in terms of His Holy Spirit. I’m totally convinced that when Jesus says we are to be salt of the earth and light to the world, the heart of his message is that we are to be leaders to the entire world. But this is too dreary. What I’m thinking more is that we are to be the superstars, the superheroes of this world. And we are capable of “unleashing” this tremendous power. Because of the Spirit we can live according to God’s amazing plan for humanity. Yes, I’m still trying to figure out the details of this plan, but from what I can see, if we “do it God’s way”, Christians can radically change this earth. Love is so complicated, but at the same time so simple. God’s way of love is the only sustainable way to change this world. I see many people trying to change the world and a lot often succeed, at least for some time. But those plans always has problems and breaks down. If Christians really understood what love means and how it is actually a way of life, the changes to this world we can do will be both dramatic and lasting. And it is the Spirit that gives us this power to understand AND apply love. This is how I have been seeing God at work. Through us, freely giving us His power. We of course need to be responsible in acknowledging and using God’s gifts. So I’ve been praying a lot for God to send His power. Hosanna.
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