Cal's Testimony/Thoughts

I used a lot of this in another application, but I thought it was good to post here too. I have updated and changed some of it though. Its a long read i know... sorry... but not really =P
Enjoy!

In The Beginning
Don’t really know how to start, so I’ll start from the beginning… God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty… Ok, maybe that’s too far back.

I came to Vancouver about 26 years ago, but I didn’t stay for too long. Less than a year I went to Hong Kong and then to China and stayed with my relatives. I came back to BC for kindergarten and have lived here since.

Growing up you could say I was one of those good little boys. I was usually obedient, was extremely shy so I never spoke out, and was terrified of my parents since they held the beating sticks/things… I went through elementary quite clueless and oblivious to most things. I was pretty much the same through most of high school. I was fortunate, though, to have always been able to make friends. And I did have several good friends. I was far from being popular, but I could fit in (or at least it seems in retrospect) with most groups of people/friends. Maybe they all actually hated me… but I was oblivious to their disgust towards me… o well, ignorance is bliss.

Intro to God
My first encounter with the idea of God was around grade 1. Some of you have heard this story, but I guess it doesn’t hurt to mention it briefly here. A classmate of mine stated to me, that going to the washroom was a sin and that God got mad at whoever sinned. I’m sure he intended for me to try and never go to the washroom again. However, unbeknownst to him, at that time I had no idea who/what/where God was so I didn’t care at all. So I went whenever, wherever… nah, I went to the proper facilities… most of the times…

My second encounter was around grade 6? I have a terrible memory… Well I had heard from other kids that they went to church on Sundays. Some of them seemed to really enjoy it so I thought it was some sort of club. I thought that I could have fun and join in the conversations if I went to church. The problem was that my parents didn’t go to church (and they still don’t), so I had no way of getting to church (or a church). One day a cousin of mine told me he went to church and so I asked him if he could bring me along. He agreed and the next Sunday he picked me up and off we went. Unfortunately I had a terrible experience. It was a mandarin congregation and I didn’t understand a word they were saying. To top if off, the pews were the wooden kind and made my butt sore. So I never asked him to bring me to church again.

I didn’t think much about religion until around grade 11? I started playing this online game and they had a forum which had discussions on the existence of God… (Wow, games are actually good for something…). People were quite active in this particular thread (must have had a hundred posts or so). I read a few posts and I was fascinated. I read some good arguments and some bad. I followed the thread until I stopped playing the game. After following the thread for a few weeks I thought the atheists’ arguments were much more compelling. So I became an atheist.

That summer I was invited to teens’ camp. I was invited by Jasmine. We went to the same high school and were friends. I went, not expecting too much, other than to have some fun and get away from home for a bit. And it was fun and I did enjoy it, most of it anyway. The weirdest parts were the praying and singing. Not exactly normal by my standards… Not much happened in terms of spirituality for that camp. However, I did get to ask one of the counselors (Alex Mah) a whole lot of questions. I asked him a whole whack of those hard/impossible questions such as “Why is there evil if there’s a God” and “Can God create a rock so heavy He couldn’t lift it” etc. I didn’t get many “good” answers, at least from what I remember. I have to admit I was armed and ready for the camp in that way, having pondered tirelessly about the whole debate from the forum I mentioned above. As some of my small group boys might say, I totally pwned Alex with my questions. I went home a confident atheist, but I saw something in those Christians. A joy, or hope, something that made them smile. I wanted that. I think I wanted to become a Christian just because of that.

A New Beginning
The grade 12 year came and went. Summer of grade 12 I was invited to go to camp again. I went again, not expecting anything different. This was at Latona I believe. It was a decent place. Food wasn’t so great though. I met some new people, but a lot of my high school friends were there also. Nothing happened much until the last night. Actually, I barely remember anything except for the last night (other than the not so good food). The last night Pastor Scott Dicky asked us to close our eyes and stand up if we wanted to receive Jesus. Too my surprise I really wanted to stand up. I didn’t, at first, thinking this was nothing different than any other altar call that I hadn’t responded to before this one. But then I did stand up, and I was a bit nervous. It was as if I didn’t have full control of my body. Strangely, I felt relieved. The pastor prayed for us and we went back to our cabin groups and I shared the experience with the other guys. I don’t remember much of what happened that night. I don’t think anyone prayed with/for me, which was probably good. I might have been weirded out by that (weirded apparently is not a word… but I used it anyway!).

I started coming to BAC after camp. I realized I was now a believer, at least of God. I didn’t understand how the Christian religion worked but I was excited. Somehow I had heard that all believers had to get baptized. So I tried to get baptized as soon as I could. I was baptized the following Christmas. I was totally unprepared. I had never witnessed a baptism before. Pastor Tim told me I just had to speak a little bit about myself and then I’d get the dunk. So I didn’t have a testimony or anything like that written up. Everything I said was made up on the spot. After my speech Pastor Tim refused to baptize me because my testimony was so terrible… I was in the water… soaking wet…. I’m just joking. I don’t really remember what I said but it couldn’t have been that bad. During this time I was basking in God’s presence. I was so happy that I was an official Christian. I couldn’t wait for service every Sunday morning. I joined 3D and it was a lot of fun. I learned a lot and it was the best time of my life up to that point. I went to Winter Conference because it seemed the proper thing to do… and that was where I formed some of my best Christian relationships. I had a group of brothers who encouraged each other and seemed to have a passion for Christ. My joy lasted for a while, but of course we aren’t meant to be immature Christians forever and I eventually saw the trials I would need for growth.

Doubting Phase
I went into a slump about a year and a half after my baptism. That joy from being a new Christian faded. I didn’t sense the closeness of God as much or at all. I had thoughts of doubt again about God. I knew he existed, but I was unsure of his benevolence. I longed for signs of Him because there were long periods where He didn’t seem to even notice me. This was all very gradual. I couldn’t say when or how this happened. At some points I would even think about not being a Christian anymore (if that were even possible). But each week there were people at church that kept me going. Somewhere during this time I changed my major (I was attending SFU) to philosophy. I studied a bunch of different topics, but unsurprisingly, the most interesting was religion. I skipped the least number of lectures for those classes… I got to think/debate about a lot of similar questions I had when I was an atheist. At times, my studies have helped my faith, but at other times they have hindered. I debated endlessly with particular individuals on specific problems. I wrestled with seeming contradictions in my mind all of the time. I was determined to formulate undeniable conclusions for and/or against God. However, by the end of my degree I realized one crucial point. There was no conclusive way to argue for or against God for most things, especially not His existence. It really is impossible to either choose or not to choose God by pure human reasoning. This idea was probably the main thing that got me back on track with my faith.

Now
Philosophy was the stepping-stone for my desire to learn more about God, to be more critical of Christianity. I really didn’t know what I was getting myself into when I first believed. I think it has always been difficult for me to have faith. Though I know God gives faith, I know that my rationalizing has been a blessing and stumbling block. I still have lots of questions, but having gone through my doubting phase, I definitely trust God in the deepest way I ever have. That’s not to say I’m super on fire for God. I know this relationship can be better, but I do have the best and deepest foundation of faith and trust to date. I’m sure God will have more trials for me, and I know that I’ll have to take it one step at a time.

Recently though, God has been teaching me/letting me experience His awesome power in terms of His Holy Spirit. I’m totally convinced that when Jesus says we are to be salt of the earth and light to the world, the heart of his message is that we are to be leaders to the entire world. But this is too dreary. What I’m thinking more is that we are to be the superstars, the superheroes of this world. And we are capable of “unleashing” this tremendous power. Because of the Spirit we can live according to God’s amazing plan for humanity. Yes, I’m still trying to figure out the details of this plan, but from what I can see, if we “do it God’s way”, Christians can radically change this earth. Love is so complicated, but at the same time so simple. God’s way of love is the only sustainable way to change this world. I see many people trying to change the world and a lot often succeed, at least for some time. But those plans always has problems and breaks down. If Christians really understood what love means and how it is actually a way of life, the changes to this world we can do will be both dramatic and lasting. And it is the Spirit that gives us this power to understand AND apply love. This is how I have been seeing God at work. Through us, freely giving us His power. We of course need to be responsible in acknowledging and using God’s gifts. So I’ve been praying a lot for God to send His power. Hosanna.